Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Jack Black's Dead Red root beer
(very long and detailed background available on their website.)
(from the bottle) "Third time available in 420 years." and "Better Dead Red than just plain dead."
Product details: 12 fl. oz. Real Soda in Real Bottles Ltd., Gardena, CA 90249. For nutrition facts, please call (310) 327-1700. Glass bottle with twist off top. http://www.realsoda.com
Ingredients: Carbonated Water, Cane Sugar, Caramel Color, Caffeine, Brazilian Guarana, Sodium Benzoate (to preserve freshness), Citric Acid, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Red #40.
My thoughts: So, Captain Jack Black, scourge of the Tenacious islanDs. I've been avoidin' you, knowing that pirates of ye sort are prone to questionable hygiene and taste in bev'rages, drinkin' down any sort o' swill that crosses yer paths. Will ye' be a rooty beer to satiate me thirst, or will I prefer walkin' the plank?
Yarrrrrrggghhh, what a mighty stench emanates from thy bowels. Is enough to wake the dead and thee kin. Alas, chargin' onward, I lift ye ol' bottle to me lips, to be greeted with the curse of that scalawag Davy Jones, as the flavor that passes into me is a pungent one indeed, that bilge-sucking swine! Some enterprisin' bastard has stolen the very soul of root beer and tainted it with something sour and bile. Even after swallowing down the bitter swill, the ghost of it continues to haunt me to the rotten core.
Can one so vile be sweet? Well, us pirates ain't a discernin' lot, so e'en the least sweet o' them girls is honey to our waggish tongues. So she be okay. To our rough hands, she seems soft and smooth, though the landlubbers might wager differently. As fer the waters, they be tumultuous with bubbles and bite, but we like 'em that way.
Give me the plank! The salty spray of the ocean is needed to wash out this abomination, surely dredged up from the very depths of Hades. The Dread Pirate Roberts might 'ave plucked out me eye, but I may wrench out me own tongue and keelhaul meself before submitting to Jack Black's Dead Red again.
*note: I believe this is the first root beer that I just couldn't finish the bottle. Also of note, I believe this is my 100th root beer review.